So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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