There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
