I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
