last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have post one night stand depression
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
