Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
