btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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