I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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