Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
