You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
