im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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