There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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