So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
