I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
