Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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