On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
