Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
