I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
