Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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