I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
