then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
