apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
