I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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