Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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