she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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