If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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