She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
