Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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