How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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