If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
