I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
