Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
