There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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