Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
