Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
