So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
