OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
