the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He better not be in your backpack
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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