I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
