She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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