So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
