my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
