Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
