cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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