Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
