thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
