Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
