Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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