Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
