Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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