A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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